I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
