What did we do last night that was yellow?
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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