bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
