I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize