you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Randomize
