My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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