Don't you send me to vm
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
