Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Randomize
