peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
