Me too!
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
