Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
