you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
