If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
