I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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