My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
