so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
