guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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