never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
