Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
