I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
