By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
