dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
