Whats the glycemic index on semen?
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
