please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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