My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
My liver just had a heart attack.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
These tits shall not be calmed
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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