This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
