my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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