look no pants
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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