I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
