Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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