I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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