So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
