Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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