I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
