i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
