new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
