She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
