i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
