Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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