he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
We left the knife in your bed.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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