i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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