A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
