So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
