Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Randomize
