Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
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This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
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He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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