i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
