Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Randomize
