if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
