All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
