Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
He? As in you personified your dick?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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