R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
