hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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