I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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