You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i wish my penis had a tongue
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
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we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
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I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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