Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
