Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
