I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
