i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Randomize
