god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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